Wee Willy Vague stays on as Foreign Secretary, a reward for abandoning his principles in support of his lying, cheating boss. George Osborne is staying on as Chancellor despite having no ideas beyond borrowing more and more money and Theresa May is safe as Home Secretary as a pay-off for spinning the insignificant and pointless non-EU immigration targets (which are being missed) as the answer to the immigration time bomb. Philip Hammond has kept his job in Defence for covering up defence underfunding and the outsourcing of defence contracts from England to Scotland.
Chris Grayling has been promoted to Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Injustice having served out his time as Employment Minister rather limply doing nothing of note to combat unemployment. Europhile nutjob, Ken Clarke, has been given a Prescottesque non-job as a minister without portfolio advising Cameron on economic policy. Clarke believes we should join the €uro. Enough said!
Jeremy Hunt has been shunted into the Department for Health after making a hash as Culture Minister when he was caught out telling people he was going to block Rupert Murdoch's buy-out of News International when he was supposed to be an impartial arbitrator.
Andrew Lansley has been bumped up to Leader of the Commons having earned his leaders' loyalty driving through privatisation of the health service in England. Michael Gove stays in the Department for Education despite coming under criticism for lying about selling off school playing fields in England and allowing discredited climate change and pro-EU propaganda to be taught in schools.
Vince Cable stays on as Business Secretary - an appointment that seems to make sense on paper as he has a background in economics but in reality he has shown himself to be an anti-business, high tax socialist. Iain Duncan Smith also stays on in the DWP presiding over disastrous tinkering to the welfare state without doing anything to fix the benefits system or get people doing something constructive.
Ed Davey has kept his job peddling climate change propaganda, killing elderly and vulnerable people with "green" taxes and doing nothing to address the impending electricity shortages. Danny Alexander also stays on as Chief Secretary to the Treasury giving him more opportunities to asset-strip England whilst driving the economy further into recession. Alexander was responsible for the attempt to sell off English forests and was prepared to rewrite the English constitution to allow it but like the hypocrite he is, actively campaigned against proposals to sell forests in his own constituency in Scotland.
Michael Moore has been promoted into the part time post of Scottish Secretary and may be the last British MP to hold the post if the SNP's independence referendum goes their way. Patrick McLoughlin has been moved into the Ministry of Transport where he is expected to smooth the way for a third runway at Heathrow and snub Boris Johnson's alternative proposal for an airport in the Thames.
Eric Pickles is staying on as Communities and English Local Government Secretary where he can continue to stall genuine localism and maintain the top-down command structure the big state Tories love. Dominic Grieve has moved into the post of Attorney General - a job that he is actually pretty well qualified for but his opposition to devolution and knowledge of constitutional affairs are the most likely reasons for his appointment ahead of the Scottish independence referendum.
Maria Miller has been promoted to English Culture, Media and Sport Secretary where she will oversee the mythical "legacy" of the Olympics, giving away venues paid for by the taxpayer to private companies to run at a profit. Grant Shapps has been promoted to Party Chairman, a job which normally only results in a cabinet position in places like China and Cuba. Owen Paterson has been moved out of the Northern Ireland Office into DEFRA where his farming background and rural constituency may bring some common sense to the environmental agenda but his promotion is probably at the cost of his principles.
Justine Greening has been put in charge of International Development having been moved out of the Department for Transport for her opposition to the expansion of Heathrow Airport. Andrew Mitchell is a Camerloon and has been promoted to Chief Whip, responsible for bullying and threatening MPs into doing as they're told.
Theresa Villiers has been moved out of Transport where she consistently underwhelmed to the Northern Ireland Office. She was heavily criticised for claiming second home expenses for a house 8 minutes away from a tube station. Former Welsh AM, David Jones, has been promoted from within the Welsh Office to Welsh Secretary much to the delight of Welsh Tory MPs who disliked the idea of an MP elected in England holding the part time Welsh Secretary job. Lord Strathclyde stays on as Leader of the House of Lords.
So, a rather underwhelming cabinet reshuffle which will give us more of the same incompetence and duplicity. As for Cameron's Cast Iron Guarantee™ to make his cabinet one third female ... well, that's gone the same way as his Cast Iron Guarantee™ to hold an EU referendum.
Whilst the cabinet reshuffle itself is less than inspiring, the timing is interesting. The SNP announced its legislative programme for the coming year today, including a proposed date for the Scottish independence referendum. What's that you say? You didn't see anything in the news about it? Anyone would think the timing of the cabinet reshuffle was deliberate.