I am talking, of course, about UKIP's own "Westminster Ring" of secret agents, all operating under deep cover at the highest levels of our rival political parties.
Yes, today I can exclusively reveal what many have suspected for a long time: Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and David Cameron are all UKIP agent provocateurs, carefully embedded to cause maximum mayhem, confusion and dismay to our rivals.
First to be activated was Special Agent Clegg, who brilliantly decimated his own party's support over night when he reneged on his daft tuition fees pledge. Who could doubt that this wasn't a deliberate act of sabotage - no one could be that incompetent or contemptuous of the electorate!
More recently, Special Agent Miliband was activated: after Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson spent over a decade buildng the New Labour brand, Miliband has singlehandedly resurrected from nowhere the old Trade Union demons that kept Labour out of power for almost a generation. Not content with that, he has just announced proposals that could decimate Labour party funding.
In normal circumstances, Miliband's masterstroke of resurrecting the bogey of union power may concern UKIP, as it may have the effect of driving scared voters back to the Tory party.
But that is to reckon without UKIP's highest placed agent of all: Special Agent David Cameron.
Cameron's service in the UKIP cause has been exemplary. Not only has he driven away so many Tory activists that membership has fallen from 250,000 to an estimated 100,000 on his watch, but he has managed to alienate them to such a degree that many actually joined UKIP, giving the party much needed experience and driving membership towards 30,000.
Moreover, of those activists that remain:
- One in five ready to switch to UKIP.
- Almost half have given up campaigning for the Conservative Party.
- Over half stated they felt they were not properly respected by the Tory Party leadership.
This means that despite UKIP's smaller size (at the moment) we can expect to have parity of numbers on the ground in many areas at election time.
It is often said that Cameron is a talentless, empty suit who would never have got so far in life had it not been for his privileged background. That is deeply unfair: it takes real talent and nerves of steel to operate at such tremendous pressure under deep cover, and maintain the pretence that he is simply an arrogant snob and atrocious party manager rather than a UKIP plant.
If one criticism can be levied at Agent Cameron, it is that he has raised the bar impossibly high for the rest of us: all UKIP activists are forever in his shadow. We can not hope to recruit others to our cause on the scale that he has done.
Agent Cameron, we salute you.
After he comes in from the cold having throughly wrecked Conservative chances at the next election, Nigel should award him the Grand Order of the Gadfly.